The Mediocre Work of a Geek

Oh what would I do without wonderful pieces like this?

I've also noticed I've gotten all these red spots over the back of my neck, perhaps I've caught the plague. That would be pretty cool actually, turn up to see family for Christmas, shake everyones hands and when they ask what you got for Christmas you say the plague.

Chris, will you marry me?

Visit Banzai.

As of 1 January 2005, I shall be following a life and society changing book - "This Diary Will Change Your Life 2005". And I shall be recording my progress in a new blog - This One - but don't come chasing after me if the bloody link doesn't work. OK?

And People Say the World Is Unfair!

In a world where Bush is re-elected and Johnny Depp is 40+ years old, sometimes people look for a little chunk of fairness to look to. An island of How The World Should Be in a sea of How The World Is.

Unfortunately, that island is a small attol, and has been destroyed by a tsunami.

I believe I have strong proof of this. A rock solid example of how some people get all the luck.

Me. Look how lucky I am:

I do shit all work - I barely even make my own bed - yet I still get a $100+ a month student allowance to do it. Even when I'm not at school.

I don't study either. I show up to most of my classes and do as little as possible. And I pass everything, usually better than the people who do study.
And no, I am not screwing the teachers.

I live off potato chips, orange juice and vanilla ice cream. I never start the day with a healthy, metabolism-boosting breakfast, and the most exercise I do is walking to the bus stop. And that's not even an every-day thing. I don't gain weight - in fact I lose weight - and I'm on the light side of healthy. I do not have an eating disorder.

My parents buy me everything - clothes, school books, everything - even though I am well old enough to move out and look after myself. Not that I ever plan to do my own ironing.

There is never a party that I'm not invited to.

And I never get a hangover.


Note to self: Do not do cheesy Thanksgiving-style reflection in future.

On My Crimes Against Humanity:

I admit to breaking the following rules of written language, which is the cornerstone of civilisation.

Not capitalising the first letters of sentences.

Not capitalising the I in "I".

Using "4" instead of "for", etc.

Overusing sarcasm and irony.

Using listing instead of full sentences. Oh, screw it.


Note: I broke most of these rules when I started this blog, when I was a high school junior, two years ago, and trying to be all moody and teenage.

And Finally, Everything Is Right With The World

[ Refer to post of 3 Feb, 2004 ]

Remember how, ages ago, I auditioned for a part in a youth theatre company, and didn't get in? In fact, I was busted right down for being too uptight. Well I sure showed the auditioner where to put it.

A few months ago I was invited to join an even more exclusive company. INVITED. Yeah, shove lower youth, I was in with the Big Guys. I didn't even audition. And guess who was the leader of this group? The auditioner of the first group. HAH! The head of the drama school asked if I would join, going right over the Hideous Cow's head.

But this silver lining had a cloud - the other students in the group were Right Little Bastards. They smoked and drank before a rehersal, now come on, that's just not right. Yes, they were capable, talented even, but boy were they ratty if you told them they smelt like a house fire. We never got anything done, but I was only with them for a term anyway.

The Right Little Bastards would sit around bitching about how their cars were rust buckets, and talking to God about oral sex, while the Hideous Cow would kindly ask them to next time, please, maybe, please, wear something a little more, um, suitable, than a, erm, mini skirt and bikini top to the studio.

I'm not going to re-audition in 2005.

"I was given Christmas socks for my birthday", and other Bad Gifts

My birthday is a week before December 25. I know that I can't complain too much about getting birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper (even though it is still very bad manners), or even recieving Christmas cards before my birthday (although, again, it is rude to a Christmas Baby to overwhelm them with Christmas cheer on their birthday). But I draw the line at Christmas-themed gifts. You know - novelty Santa socks, mugs, hats. In fact, I draw the line at themed gifts for any occasion. They're only useful characteristic is irony.
So I've made a list of some of the shittiest gifts I've gotten since I started high school:

- Hand cream for dry hands. I don't have dry hands.

- Musk scented deodorant. I hate musk. I don't smell. I was given this by a friend. I can only hope she mixed me up with someone else and gave me the wrong gift.

- A cheap picture frame with seahorses on it. Not only was it very tacky, but I hate most sealife (including seahorses).

- A spoon.

- A $2 figurine from a discount store of the most ugly rat in a trash can. When the person gave it to me, she nudged me and said "Remember that day?! Heh." I don't remember that day.

- An Easter egg. On Christmas Day.

- Hundreds of cheap cat-themed calenders. Because I have a cat.

- Floating candles. From my 'best friend', who knows that I'm petrified that candles will burn down my house.

- A huge citronella candle to repell mosquitoes. I am never bitten by mosquitoes, I don't know why, but it has nothing to do with huge citronella candles. (Also see above.)

- A hip hop compilation album.

Ever wondered what would happen if you gave your cat drugs?

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kittycat.php


Ode To An Irishman

Mister Incredible
I find you oh so edible.
Black hair, green eyes -
Only your temper do I despise.
But OH does your style cramp,
you naughty little Irish scamp,
When you're sober, in the cold light of day.

You had a girlfriend once - she died
If it weren't for the bottle, you'd've cried.
We tallied your drinks
Near a thousand it brinks.
So we called the ambulance,
But this was your stance -
If it moves, it you abused, so the doctors said "eff off , Mr Incredible."

Personality and drink
Matter not, I do think
Now about your present squeeze –
Her name, could you tell us please?
For to hunt her down
And watch her drown
Would be awfully fun … but not for her, obviously.

(I wrote that myself, so shut up)
For it to make sense, follow these links:
Dylan Moran
Black Books - note: Bernard

No, I haven't joined a cult or, worse, disconnected myself from the internet, I just haven't been posting.

There's a reason I haven't been blogging - I hate the new Blogger. I truely do. I want to be able to refer to past posts without all this frigging around.
"But Mog, it's easier to use!" - fuck off you fool, don't you realise that only really stupid people didn't know how to use the old Blogger format? And if you're really that dumb, should you really have a blog in the first place?

Anyway, I was reminded of this site when I was clearing out my Favourites just now...
If you're anything like me, you use the Favourites folder for every site you might ever use again. And once a month you have to go through it because you realise that, for some reason, you don't want to revisit a site on non-alcoholic beverages.
Well, while doing my November clear-out, I re-discovered (as I do) this guy's blog - http://banzaiwolf.blogspot.com/, and read the following classic line:

And just so you know, it's really hard to take a leak when you can hear your
nextdoor neighbours having sex.

Other odd things found in my Favourites included:
Bin Laden Liquors
End of World
Jesus Dress Up!
The Real Hussein
The Hole - Actually, I still find this one quite entertaining ... small things for small minds ...
Schnoogle - I must have bookmarked this when I was feeling ultra-lame, because this site is everything I hate.
Nutters Say Fridge
Judaism 101
Church Sign Generator
Bomb Saddam!

I feel like I've been really mean to Saddam Hussein, but I'm not totally sure why ...

Does anyone else realise that it's about a year since I actually wrote a proper post?
Do you know why?
I don't know for sure. But I think it has something to do with boys.
Yes, boys. Can't live with them, won't live without them.
No, I haven't suddenly become the town bicycle (everyone gets a ride ...), and guys haven't suddenly realised how stunningly beautiful I am. Sadly, these are not the reasons.
I've been talking to more people on MSN (well, actually Trillian, because MSN sucks), and the two main people just happen to be guys in my class.
And one of them happens to be very nice. And kinda hot.
Anyway, that's my excuse.
I might be back ...

PS. Look at all this fancy new shit that's been added to Blogger while I was gone!